Dear Sirs (and anyone else who still thinks this is appropriate),
We write to you today not merely as concerned members of the modern legal community, but as survivors of your antiquated salutation assaults. Your unwavering dedication to “Dear Sirs” is nothing short of legendary – a beacon of bygone eras, much like powdered wigs, horse-drawn carriages, and carbon paper.
While your steadfast loyalty to tradition is admirable, we must ask: is this really the hill you wish to die on?
Your correspondence, beginning with “Dear Sirs”, sends a clear message: that gender-equality is a fad, inclusivity is optional, and the 19th century called – it wants its greeting back.
We acknowledge that change can be difficult. After all, who among us hasn’t clung to comfortable habits while the world moved on? But please consider the trauma inflicted on recipients forced to receive your letters – awkwardly wondering if they should reply with “Dear Sir/Madam”, “Dear Team”, or simply throw the letter into the shredder in despair.
We propose a modest compromise: evolve the salutation. Replace “Dear Sirs” with “Dear Esteemed Colleagues”, “Dear Counsel”, or “To Whom It May Concern” – phrases equally formal, infinitely more inclusive, and less likely to provoke spontaneous eye-rolling.
Should you find this suggestion too radical, we will gladly send you a complimentary Legal Correspondence 101 handbook, illustrated with flowcharts and memes.
In closing, we salute your tenacity but gently remind you: women happen to practise law, too. And, in this century, “Dear Sirs” belongs firmly in the past – alongside your collection of vellum scrolls and quill pens.
Yours (more inclusively) sincerely,
The Modern Legal World
Reply from the Honourable ‘Dear Sirs Brigade’
Dear Modern Legal World (and assorted rebels),
We have received your open letter with a mixture of amusement, bewilderment, and the faintest whiff of scandal. Your plea to abandon “Dear Sirs” is noted – though we suspect it was composed on one of those new-fangled “computers” you speak of.
Let us be clear: “Dear Sirs” is not merely a salutation. It is a tradition, a ritual, a fortress of formality in an increasingly casual and chaotic world. It is the linguistic equivalent of a bespoke three-piece suit tailored by Germanicos – timeless, dignified and, frankly, superior.
We reject your suggestion to dilute this venerable phrase with pedestrian alternatives. “Dear Colleagues” sounds like an office memo. “To Whom It May Concern” reeks of desperation. And “Dear Team” – well, that’s simply unprofessional.
We acknowledge your concern for inclusivity, and we applaud your passion. However, in our humble opinion, a salutation does not bear the weight of societal advancement. If one is truly committed to equality, let us focus on changing substantive laws, rather than our timeless and well-crafted greetings.
Furthermore, we find your offer of a “Legal Correspondence 101” handbook to be charmingly patronising. Rest assured, we have mastered the art of letter-writing, a skill that has withstood centuries of judicial scrutiny.
So, dear disruptors, we shall continue our proud use of “Dear Sirs” – confident that the phrase will survive long after the novelty of emoji signatures has faded.
Yours, in tradition and impeccable stationery,
The Honourable ‘Dear Sirs Brigade’
Disclaimer: This is satire, just in case you were about to write a complaint letter.
