“You clearly have no idea what you are talking about!” said one of my workshop participants with arms crossed and brow furrowed. “You can’t fire people in our industry,” she continued, with murmured support from a few other participants.
While many facilitators might be rattled, it’s actually a challenge I hear often. In many organisations, the idea of firing employees is seen as taboo. Even giving hard, corrective or critical feedback is avoided by many leaders who tell me they are scared of being labelled harsh, uncaring or a bully.
Avoidance is the worst cruelty
When someone isn’t performing, leaders often tell themselves a delusional story. It goes like this: I won’t say anything too direct because I don’t want to upset them. They think they are being nice, even empathetic by not hurting their feelings, but in reality this is a cruel lie. When someone isn’t meeting expectations, they are hurting not only themselves today, but also impacting their future opportunities for development, growth and promotion.
As a leader, your job is to help people to perform and grow. If they are not performing, avoidance is negligence. Leaving them to fail is cruelty not empathy. True empathy is caring about them. It is wanting them to develop, grow and succeed. Empathy is caring so much about them that you have to say something no matter how uncomfortable it may feel, you have to help. It is just too important to ignore.
We need to understand that avoidance is cruel and feedback is kind. Giving feedback with empathy means seeing a person you want to help. Poor behaviour or underperformance is not a characteristic of the person but temporary and changeable actions that you are helping to correct. Empathy in feedback requires leaders to care about people, understand what is driving the underperformance and directly work with them to improve. Your job is to help them because you care for them. That’s true empathy.
If you want trust, feedback’s a must
Without feedback, people lose direction and performance wavers. Without removing underperformers at times, resentment builds and a sense of unfairness can quickly spread. Imagine a team where each person is tasked with creating 20 widgets. If one person only produces 10 and the leader does nothing, it is reasonable, if not expected, that the other members of the team would feel aggrieved. Standards and expectations are not optional, they must be constantly reiterated, refined and reinforced across the team.
Too many leaders avoid tough conversations for fear of the impact the feedback has on the individual. But this misses the bigger picture. What is far more important is the impact on the broader system. When underperformance is ignored, we fail our whole team. Those who are striving, growing and performing are left disappointed and disillusioned. Their commitment is jeopardised and they lose trust in you. Failing to address poor behaviour will often set off a chain reaction that will drag the whole team down. To maintain fairness, consistency and trust in a team, feedback’s a must.
Empathy is not just about the individual. As a leader, you must consider the impact of behaviours on others. How will this underperformance impact on team members, clients, partners and other stakeholders? As a leader, you are entrusted with delivering results through people. Failing to give feedback means you are not just failing the individual, but often countless others. We must have empathy for the broader impact.
Let them go to grow
Careers are no longer long linear roads, like the work we do, careers are now complex, dynamic and everchanging. It is unreasonable to expect everyone will be passionate, committed or even capable of succeeding at their role as it evolves. This is not a failing of them, you or the organisation. It is simply a new reality of the modern world.
For this reason, there will be times when a person is no longer willing or able to perform at the required expectations. At this point, you have to part ways. This is one of the most dreaded scenarios. This highly impactful, emotional and inevitable situation, requires high levels of leadership empathy.
What does empathy look like when you are removing someone from a role? Firstly, it is the honesty to discuss the gap between their capabilities and expectations of the role. If the person has the desire to improve and it is feasible, then look to support them. However often, an honest conversation can result in you both coming to the conclusion that it is not going to happen … and that is okay.
Next, leaders with empathy will seek to explore what the person does want to do, which roles will better suit their skills and passions? Empathic leaders will care enough about the person to want them to be successful in the future – that is your job as a leader. That future role might be within your team, organisation or somewhere else … This is also okay.
Empathy in dismissals is not the careless “don’t come Monday” letters of old. Empathy is helping them to plot a path forward and doing what you can to help them get there. True empathy in this pivotal moment will not only help the person to move to a better future, but also reinforce that you are a leader who cares about their people no matter the situation. That is a leader worth following, that is leading with empathy.
This is an extract from The Empathy Gap (Wiley $32.95) by Daniel Murray. Daniel is a keynote speaker, trainer and consultant who helps senior leaders and their teams unlock performance by leading with empathy, building trust and fostering a high-performance culture. For more information, visit danielmurray.au
